Reality TV veteran Toni Ferrari, featured as a supreme creator of chaos on Fox's Paradise Hotel, Fox's Love Cruise and the syndicated Blind Date, will finally be able to move her surgically-enhanced "talents" to the big screen -- but not in a featured role. Toni has been added to the bodybuilding movie No Pain, No Gain, an apparently completed but unreleased film adding new scenes.
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No Pain, No Gain, created, co-written and directed by novice feature filmmaker Samuel Turcotte, tells a story even more self-indulgent than Toni was on Paradise Hotel. According to co-screenwriter Jodi Baum on IMDb.com, here is the plot, which we'll let speak for itself.
The film tells the story of a highly intelligent former state champion bodybuilder from small town Ohio who has become obsessed with his scientific research and, consequently, has let his world-class physique go. He journeys to the mecca of bodybuilding, Los Angeles, on a quest to attain specific answers in the field of physiological research as it relates to anatomy and the structuring of the ultimate training regimen. Determined to reveal his new findings and theories to the world, the awkward yet sincere bodybuilder realizes he has no choice but to get back in supreme shape, compete in the ultimate "Mr. West Coast" bodybuilding competition and use his own body as the perfect reflection of his mind's work.
Amidst the LA-freaks, Hollywood wannabes, and outrageous gym culture of Los Angeles, the now determined bodybuilder struggles to preserve an integrity of the mind, body, and spirit that is so apparently void in this strange new land. Pitted against steroid-taking competitors and the biggest sports-nutrition company in the world, he is up against odds and enemies who want to destroy him. Searching for validity, recognition, and truth, he befriends a quirky computer genius and a kickboxing goddess, who all help one another realize what they have been missing from their lives. In the end, they discover that balance in life, similar to a well-balanced and sculpted anatomy, is the ultimate achievement.
We find ourselves left speechless. We have no idea why movie studios haven't already snapped up a movie dealing with brilliant - but "awkward yet sincere" - bodybuilders and "kickboxing goddesses" who achieve "well-balanced and sculpted anatomies" while seeking "validity, recognition, and truth" in the "strange new land" of L.A. Oh, and we marvel at the realism of a movie that describes the head of the "biggest sports-nutrition company in the world" thusly:
Crystal Rivers (blonde bitch honcho) - Founder, Chairman, CEO, President of Advanced Nutrition Corporation (ANC). Smart, ruthless, and relentless, she will stop at nothing to keep ANC on top and will bust the balls off anyone who gets in her way. An unabashed nymphomaniac, she demands regular servicing from whatever boy-toy happens to be handy.
We're certain there must be many, many nyphomaniac CEOs out there, and we admire the courage of this movie to expose them. A cameo appearance by Toni in this movie, if it is ever released, should clearly help her media career almost as much as her stints on reality TV have done.
